—Turn away now if Hormones, Emotions and “girly things” make you queasy —

Wow talk about a 48 hour rollercoaster!

I have to say I’m pretty lucky when it comes to hormonal mayhem caused by good ole Auntie Flo! Mostly I’m ok, bit teary, bit meh, bit tender in the breasts…. nothing too much, and I take it in my stride *mostly*

Have to say think its only my due I calculated that I have been “fertile” for 22years, as I got my first period at 9. So I should have a hold on it by now.  They arrive on time (I only know this since I got my itouch and the period tracker app) and last 3 days… all good.

This week was NOT one of those cycles, oh it came on time, not that being “late” would hold any fear for me as the chances of falling pregnant accidentaly are non existant. But my did I land with a bang!  I’d like to thank all my lovely Twitter mates, SineadCochrane, NiamhSmith, CurlyDena, Mrs_Bopp, Distantrambler, Vickiocall, donnam13 .. even the boys, Icedcoffee, fergbyrne and the lovely EvertB tried to offer comfort and advice.

Thankfully I am aware of my cycle tendencies to know that when I hate pretty much everyone in sight, and feel the need to kick you in the head if you put a hair out of place, then something may possibly be awry! I try to be easier on myself and give myself some space and time away from everyone, for my sake and certainly for theirs.

Yesterday I thought I was losing my reason, my head was clouded in red, I just did not understand who had filled the world with the stupidest people in the world, and worse yet, WHO in the name of all things, decided to send them ALL in my direction on THAT day of all days!!

I swung from wanting to maim and injure the poor sales guy that asked me to send tapes out on an unfinished contract, to running far far far away from the sound of the trains that pass my office every 2 mins, to crying because there was no milk in the fridge. By the end of the day the only thing I was sure of, was there was no way in hell I was going back to that office the next day.  So grabbing the spare laptop I announced that for everyone’s safety I’d be working from home today.

It took me a long time to get used to my cycle, being so young when they began I was allowed all manner of special treatments. I got 3 days off school every month, and when I was angry or weepy I was just left alone, with no reprimand. It was only when I was 16 and had been getting this treatment for 7 yrs that my Mum, god bless her, told me to cop on and get over it.  I don’t mind that I became fertile so early, although I do worry if I will become infertile quicker… perhaps that’s why I’m so broody, does my body know I’m running short of time?

Which brings me to the other symptom of my cycle, other than wnating to take a machete to slow walkers on Nassau St, or headbutting colleagues for no reason, being extra sarcastic, generally weepy and craving crisps (yeuch). If Im on a bad hormonal cycle, I get EXTRA broody.

I’m pretty broody as it stands, you know this but while hormonal I am considerably beyond the norms. So of course I end up watching (and crying) at any programme about babies/children/motherhood/pregnancy. I was doing ok today, kept busy and then went for a drink with mates, came home…. and what was on iPlayer… oh yes…

Pregnancy: My Big Decision

Documentary which follows two teenage girls who are on the brink of making a big decision. Separated by age, culture and geography, but sharing the same all-consuming desire to have a baby, the girls go on a very personal journey of self discovery. But they are not going on their own – they are taking their mums and grans with them.

This documentary really called to me, from I was a teen I wanted a baby. Thankfully my eggs remained without much fertilization opportunities so it was never really a going concern. But I knew that if I was in a position to “accidentally” become pregnant it was more than likely that I would become one of those statistics.

Of the two girls, I was really intersted in Chantells story.

16-year-old Chantelle lost her virginity at 13. Having now been with her 20-year-old boyfriend for two years she is desperate for a child, but her mum Mandy and gran Maggie are against the idea. So why does Chantelle so desperately want to be a teen mum?

Before I get an farther… I’d like to ask what in the name of god is a 20 yr old doing with a 16 yr old, and more to the point when she was 14 what was he doing with her, as he was 18!  Anyhow, that aside, and it really was not addressed as an issue in the documentary it turns out that at 14 she became pregnant and opted for a termination.  A vast amount of her desire for a baby stems from her grieving from this decision. She wants to make “it all right” and I understand how she feels.

When I was a very early teen a very close person in my life had a similar decision, and went the same path as Chantelle. I still now (and did then) agree that the best decison was made, it was an unhappy ending but then I dont believe there would have been a happy ending from that story. Life returned to the way it was and everyone moved on, but 3yrs later it hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though this situation was not mine, and I did not experience it other than to be on the sidelines, I began to grieve.

I had always been broody and baby-centric but now it was worse, all of a sudden. I never really knew how to process it and many years later, in counselling for something else, I realised. I wanted a chance to “make it right” to apologise, what for I’m not sure, but I understood where the swell of broodiness came from in those teenage years.

If you have a chance watch the show, its good even if you just want to shout at the other participant, a spoiled silly 14yr old.  But Chantelle’s story, her mum’s story and her fantastic 80 yr old gran are really worth finding out about.

Fingers crossed by tomorrow good ship red menace will have done her worst to me and I can return to calmer waters and lick my wounds.

For now I leave you with this:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Anyone who’s spoken to me for more than half an hour in my life will know I am unashamedly…….

Baby Crazy!

Been so for as long as I can remember. I have wanted to do a variety of things in my life, from being a Montessori teacher (too openly gay), to a writer (ha!), and an airline attendant (too short), to a radio dj (voice to high pitched), a computer programmer (utterly crap at maths) and even Ireland’s first female Taoiseach (USI would have had a lot to answer for)

Many as you can see have been put lovingly but firmly to rest… excepting one…. and given my “lifestyle” you’d be forgiven for thinking I have kept the hardest one on….

I want to be, nay I shall be, a mommy.

There are so many stories around this, and I know that this will not be the last time you have to (skip over) read my ramblings on this topic. Mostly I keep it under check, except for the totally spontaneous exclamation* of “Doh Doh Doh” when I see a baby, or a fresh one as I can sometimes be heard mewing… as my head follows it magnetically…

I don’t know where it came from, only that it feels to me completely innate, to me its the most natural expression of the core of what I am about on this planet.

If you are
A: wondering why I would need to say this.
B: somewhat surprised that I feel like that.
C: mildly worried about what the hell the kid would turn out like
or even
D: vaguely curious as to how I am going to go about this.

I will, I am sure in the fullness of time answer all these questions, most of which I share with you.

As I mentioned this compulsion has been with me from year dot. I think I was one of the few 8yr old’s who compulsively watched BBC documentaries on pregnancy and child birth. I have in my hard-drive every one of BBC’s Child of our Time shows. I buy and hide baby books…. and I terrify many people on the vastness of my bizarrely acquired, rarely asked for yet freely imparted knowledge on the topic.

So why say it today? What brought this banging to the surface tonight as I sit here at my laptop…..

Last year I turned 30, and my plan had always been 32…Insha’Allah, that I would start a family. I hoped I would be in a loving relationship at the time, and I am and *fingers crossed* will remain so, as I love her dearly. That said this is such a vital part of me that I probably would have tried to make it work had she not come into my life.

In the last 48hrs, 6 of my friends have either announced the birth of their babies, the imminent arrival of same, or their intention to pro actively go about the conception of same…. it was like being slapped in the face with a wet… nappy.

And by the power of oestrogen!

My biologically clock came back from the snooze and began clanging loudly in my ear!

As you can imagine, this will, ahem, take a bit of forward planning…. and while this will not by any means become a Lesbo-baby-diary, I will keep you appraised of the situation.

If anyone has some words of wisdom, yelps of concern, condolences for my gf, offers of help??
I have …womb… for you all (badum-tish!)

So there you go…. don’t say I hold back.

*Thanks to all my lovely Twitter mates who helped thaw my brain freeze, and who will be mildly surprised that the question I asked related to this! @darraghdoyle, @allancavanagh, @lexia, @stiofainod, @jentertainment, & @damienmulley