Our “rough tough creme puff” from NY, who was going to give us “balls right now” is gone! Even she had to admit that her teams product was Pants!

Yes last week the teams had the branding and marketing challenge, oh and there were hot branding irons in the fire by the time the final three were in the boardroom. Kim sensing her time was up and Lorraine was after sticking the knife in, turned to her Brutus with a venomous look claiming “I have always championed you”, and while Philip drawled “That’s so romantic” Sir Allen gave her a one way ticket back to the big apple.

She did as many a losing apprentice and hoist her self by her own petard, claiming that this was the challenge she was here for, she took leadership of team Ignite. However, that was about as far as she took it as the team never really got going at all.

The Challenge

The challenge was to create a brand and market an new type of childrens breakfast cereal, containing one character.

Settling on the character of Pants Man, at Philips pouting behest, Kim attempted to keep the squabbling toddlers Lorraine and Philip in their respective highchairs and left the quiet kids Howard, Mona and Noorul to fend for themselves. All this babysitting meant that time was tight and in the end they didnt oversee the design of the box, but they got a bot that fit with the theme, oh yes folks, it was indeed pants!
I’d like to tell you the overarching theme of the presentation and the product itself, but it seems there wasn’t one. Mona would have you believe that the whole idea of “Wake up call” is

“Put your pants on the right way.” Not like a superhero, ‘cos he’s the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically when you eat our cereal you won’t dress up like pants man ‘cos you’re not pants man, only pants man gets away with his pants over his clothes.

Ok Mona, but ….. what’s that got to do with cereal?
The Box, only having print on the front, with no text regarding content or, well anything, was just a seamfree reminder of how Pantsman didn’t fit the brief.

On the other team, Kate heading up Empire,  set sail for success with the Parrot Pirate, Captain Squawk.  It was by no means plain sailing for Kaptain Kate as she had as shipmates Jabbering James, Dastardly Debra and Ben the Braindead and Yasmina O’Sharpface to pull into line. James had some of this weeks total clangers with “does that look parroty to you” regarding the designers excellent illustration and feeling like he had X marks the spot he came out with ‘I didn’t want something that looked like it was poisonous on the front of the box.’ to explain his concept of crossed spoons over a bowl instead of the traditional pirate skull and cross-bones.

Of course the whole thing could have sank as Kate discovered her child star had a nut allergy. However all was ok when it was explained that there was to be no eating of the cereal, phew! Ben the Braindead even managed to keep his trap shut, I guess he knew to lay low lest he be made walk the plank.

While Treasure Flakes was by no means a market slayer, it was obvious that Kate wanted everything shipshape and was taking no prisoners as the team fell into line behind her.  Even with the presentation delivered by the note reading Icemaiden Debra, the Marketing company warmed to the more cohesive plan and called it that Empire did indeed mark the spot.

You’re Fired!

Sir Allen gave the boot to Kim with the line “You remind me of final scene from wizard of oz, you look impressive but behind the curtains there’s nothing there”

I cant say I agree with him, but Kim made the fatal decision of dragging Philip and Lorraine into the boardroom, perhaps she, like I, forgot there was actually anyone else on her team, but there she hit the self destruct as Philip and Lorraine are the last two I’d try and take down with me.

Quotes of the week

Actor Kid “I’ve got a nut allergy”
Kim “I’m not a creative … I manage creativity!”
Philip “So natural you feel like you are naked”
Philip “Dance in your pants till you get in the mood”
James “Does that look parroty enough”
James “I feel like a monkey learning to use tools.”
Nick on Philip – “He thinks he’s Bono”

After Show with Adrian Chiles

A quick note on this weeks after show hosted by Adrian Chiles, Comedian Jenny Eclair from Grumpy Old Women was a panelist and came up with a brand name that probably could have usef PantsMan

Farty Breakfast Cereal… blow your mates away with fart pants cereal

She also got a laugh by telling us she once did an poster ad for Electrolux vacum cleaners with the tagline;

Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.

It seems that Lorraine is the new Love to Hate figure, being likened to a Dementor in Harry Potter, she sucks the life out of everyone…. well she certainly sucks something as you’ll read in a moment.

Gossip and Innuendo

The Romance is Revealed!

We all heard that love was in the air in the penthouse this year, and while it was looking like Majid and Philip shared a special something, it turns out that Philips real desires lay elsewhere. Philip and Kate are the loved up duo! And as everyone’s favourite red top The Sun reports, out in the real world Philip has gone to meet Kates mum! Ooo-er!

Apprentice star Philip Taylor has met his show squeeze Kate Walsh’s mum – and even she thinks he’s cocky. Loudmouth Phil, who has been dating Midlander Kate for months,  took the plunge and went to meet Sue Walsh at her home in Cannock last Sunday. But despite being on his best behaviour behaviour, the arrogant Durham estate agent, 29, didn’t exactly charm the pants off his prospective mother-in-law.

Well slap me down with a feather, Philip is just as much of a gobby twat in real life…. shock!

Sex Sells

Lorraine gets jiggy with Pantsman

Ben was right, sex does sell, and in this case another red top The News of the World,  has been selling papers to beat the band on the Lorraine Swinger Sex Scandle. Oh yes the greasy bespeckled one (I had such high hopes for her  – but alas) is a swinger no less.

Of course it didn’t happen in her native Mullingar, no by god it did not. Nor did it happen on the seedy streets of London town, no sireee….. it all swung into action in the sex clubs of Amsterdam (I have yet to find these sex clubs, there are shows but clubs?… anyway that’s another story) The tabloid reports how,

The dowdy businesswoman told how watching six naked men and women writhing in a sexual frenzy in Amsterdam’s infamous red light district changed her life forever.

It seems she even tried to “recruit” Debra and her boyfriend for a foursome, sheesh with all that hair grease on the sharp edges on Debra’s face that’s an accident waiting to happen right there! Thankfully Debra declined, and now I am spared the horrific nightmares.

And a fellow Apprentice contestant told us: “She goes on and on about what her and her bloke get up to at swingers’ clubs and in their home. Apparently he likes to watch her in action with other men. She says he’s a sex addict.”

Anyhow all this has shed new light on Lorraine, who obviously has bigger things on her mind than merely washing her lanky hair or buying a decent pair of glasses.

So tune in this week (9pm GMT) on BBC 1 to find out who Sir Alan tells

There’s a taxi driver outside already typing your address in his sat nav

Its time for Margaret to avert her eyes as I give you the crowning jewel’s that were last weeks advertising spots

Don’t forget to join us this week at the Apprentice Live Blog.

Check back here for more details as we get them!

I’m not terrifically fond of meme’s but I am very fond of Sir Rick!

Therefore:

The rules:

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog. (Up there)
2) Write the rules. (and so they are)
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you. (see below)
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly. (only cause he asked)
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them. (I shall)

Things about me:

1. I dislike shoes, if I had my way I wouldn’t be bothered with them
2. I have one eye that has an astigmatism, as in its shaped like a rugby ball.
3. I have a current obsession with Rhubarb Actimel Yogurt.
4. China & Japan are top of my list of places I MUST see.
5. My utter favourite show of all time is West Wing
6. Aged 6 my left eardrum burst on my pillow, the ensuing damage and infection means I have 20% hearing in that ear and I lipread a lot now.

Ok and my nominees are: Ciara of Election fame, Paul from Flatmates, (I want to see this worked into a special edition of the comic) Grannymar, Conortje, Backpedalbrakes, Travelling but not in Love.

EDT:

Email sent to the unlucky suspects….
*dusts hands*
My job here is done

As I mentioned last week, all the national holidays come in a big glut from now till June 1st after which we have ne’re a long weekend in sight till Christmas.

It all kicks off with the Queens day festival, 30th April, marking the birthday of the Queen Beatrix (well actually her mothers birthday, but as QB’s birthday is in January, the pragmatic choice was to leave things in March)

Anyhow, there is Koninginnenacht, the Queens Night, the evening of the 29th, mostly celebrated in The Hague, but also celebrated wherever there is alcohol. Once work finishes the bars open and all hell breaks loose. The next day is Queens Day, Koninginnedag. Amsterdam is awash with Orange, and stalls appear everywhere, selling anything from a broken teapot to a donut, from a dress mannequin to a dental mirror and everything in between. Needles to say with5 days left people are already laying claim to the “best” plots on pavements and the like, marking their turf by writing BEZET in some manner on the ground

Next week my Mum is coming to visit for the festivities, but I do promise to post a round up of it all here.

In honour of this National Day our cocktail this week includes 4 essential Dutch ingredients, no not Hash, Cheese, Tulips and Arrogance…..

Something from BOLS, Genever (Dutch Gin) Orange Colour and the word Dutch!

Comfortable Young Dutch

• ½ shot BOLS Genever (young)
• 1½ shots  Southern Comfort
• ½ shots  Freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 2 shots Freshly squeezed orange juice

Add all ingredients to an iced shaker.
Shake and strain into an ice filled old fashioned glass.

Liquored Up? now lets get Linkered Up!

All this recession talk would have you believe nothing is happening in the shops these days, but I think thats Bull!

And so do Panti, Rick, Redmum, Ian, the Guardian and even CNN

RTE 9 0′clock news

Click here to view the embedded video.

Full CCTV Video

Click here to view the embedded video.

Last night I got a wonderful invite from @kittynel to go for a cruise through the canals on her new boat!

It was gezellig hoor!

Twitter News

We all know Oprah joined Twitter recently, but not to be outdone on the emerald isle, our own fair female shlebs piled onto the social networking train…. Twink, Lorraine Keane, Grainne Seoige, Bláthnaid NíChofaigh, Amanda Brunker and Glenda Gilson all joined very recently and are trying to figure out what the hell is going on!

Speaking, or tweeting about whats hot, Friday saw #doylejoke day. On prompt of @lecraic’s jibe about tweetbombing @darraghdoyle for his “bad” jokes, AJ offered a limited edition Helvetica Moleskine notebook to the best “worst” joke tweeted by 5.30

My last top twitter tale, is this  – Development of a method of tweeting using brain activity

That’s right, no keyboards, just a red cap fitted with electrodes that monitor brain activity, hooked up to a computer flashing letters on a screen. Wilson sent the messages by concentrating on the letters he wanted to “type,” then focusing on the word “twit” at the bottom of the screen to post the message.

The development could be a lifeline for people with “locked-in syndrome” — whose brains function normally but who cannot speak or move because of injury or disease.

Blogger News

Some bloggers need YOUR HELP

The ladies of Gaelick what to know

What the velvet hearts on the tree trunks along East Wall are for?

Panti would like your help resurrecting a lovely turn of phrase

“To Beat the Band”

The Culchies are up in arms, about the possibility of a musical based on the life of Jade Goody with songs such as “DOH! Whats a Dear” and Lottie’s suggestion of Don’t Cry For Me East Anglia? Suggestions on a postcard to the Beeb, where we are sure it will be their new 12 part search for a star.

Other thing happening in the blogosphere, Lilly Collison has moved blog home, she’s now a WP blogger!
Check out her new WWW place of residence www.lilycollison.com

My 2nd appearance on Desked – My Home desk  —>

Biff Sniff has some pretty cool tshirts to mark the demise of the global market economy – click on the image to get your shirt!

Wantsies and Other Stuff

Every Elf has wantsies – and coming up to my birthday…. here are a few of my pointlessly favourite things:

Singing Gizmo from Gremlins – you have to watch the video

Click here to view the embedded video.

Zip up headphones
Mine are always in a mass of knots! They even have a volume control on the zipper!

Noma Bar’s May 2009 Limited Edition Cover for Esquire

and finally: I leave you with two natural wonders:

Northern Lights (as I know they are @fontfiddler’s favourtie thing ever)

Click here to view the embedded video.

and
Scenes from the zoo

According to the World Association of Zoos and Aquariums (WAZA), over 600 million visitors pass through the gates of over 1,300 zoological parks, reserves and aquariums worldwide every year. Springtime brings many new animals to these parks as well, as newborns. Collected here are some photographs from zoos and aquariums around the world from the past couple of months. Don’t forget that 2009 has been designated as the “year of the gorilla” by the United Nations. (37 photos total)

I don’t know which is weirder,

The name – Viagra Holes

The images – eh……

or

The fact that they are sent out as promotional gift fans to urology doctors in Korea

Fantastically Right? or Fantastically Wrong?
Get your, eh spoke in…..

The EU Says Noooooo

Dirtymouse reports:

The EU are legislating against the use of certain weights of the renowned and much loved font Helvetica

Citing that light and ultra-light weights of the font can appear un-readable in certain circumstances, they have set out a new directive that states that all public places must refrain from using Helvetica 25-35-45 (and associated faces) in anything that is deemed ‘public-facing’.

Its so prominent that you probably don’t even notice it anymore, but Helvetica is one of the predominant typefaces in the world.

So popular in fact a feature length documentary, called (you guessed it) Helvetica was made about it in 2006.

Why make a film about a typeface, let alone a feature documentary film about Helvetica? Because it’s all around us. You’ve probably already seen Helvetica several times today. It might have told you which subway platform you needed, or tried to sell you investment services or vacation getaways in the ads in your morning paper … How did a typeface drawn by a little-known Swiss designer in 1957 become one of the most popular ways for us to communicate our words fifty years later?

So there you go….. Expect a lot of big name re branding and graphic design work for the next few months, perhaps its part of the G20 Stimulus package?

More info on that here

From Engadget, and seemingly still in the works….

The worlds first flying hotel!

Beginning with a cruise around the US, it is planned to do European cruises too.

Helicopter Hotel

“The ‘copter can even be rented out for what will undoubtedly be the zaniest episode of My Super Sweet 16 ever.
There’s no word on how pricey this five-star flying hotel will be, but if you have to ask, you probably can’t even afford a walk through.”

Hmmm, looks like a bit of a blimp to me.

——
Edt: Yes,  I know….. its a fake!
Thanks Conor

But I was brought nicely up to speed on the goings on in my own home town, Mullingar by my Twitter buddy @KeithNolan, who I have since dubbed my ‘Gar-espondant

I have learned 3 things.

One:

The Topic is online  – hopefully now they have stopped killing trees printing it.

Westmeath really does not have enough news for more than one paper and the Westmeath Examiner is marginally “better”

Two:

Christy Mae (Left)

Irelands first Disco DJ hailed from Mullingar, and is about to make a comeback *for one night only*

POPULAR Mullingar business man Christy Maye, the first person in Ireland to run a discotheque,  began his business career as a DJ with his Disc-a-Go-Go while still a student nurse in St. Loman’s Hospital, Mullingar……..

Christy Maye had to completely build a sound system and lighting display. “I had to find a way to cushion the turntables, and used a spring from a car seat, and foam, and other padding, so that we could get the sound and volume.  We separated the bass sounds and got the hi-fi effect, and we improvised in various ways to get the lighting effects”

Perhaps I’m being cruel but…. *cringe*

Three:

A Mullingar woman will be appearing in tonight’s Apprentice on BBC 1 at 9/10pm GMT/CET the Westmeath Examiner reports.

Lorraine Tighe

Lorraine Tighe the Examiner claims “although she grew up in Westmeath,  she was born in London. When she was six, her parents, Rathowen-born James Tighe, and his Streete-born wife, Loretto (nee Coffey) (now living in Petitswood), moved back to Ireland, and Lorraine attended Rathowen N.S., before going on to attend the Loreto College in Mullingar“

I have to say I love this quote about her business aim:

“to be able to drive a dead horse to the winning line”.

So I wish her luck, she left my hellish Alma Mater at 16, and I would have done the same given half a chance. She seems to have done good and hopefully she’ll go on to make a big success, she’s already a great role model for her two young daughters.

Best of Luck Lorraine.

I am going home to mind the spawn of Satan, otherwise known as my nephew.

He’s 6, full of energy, an only child and madder than a bag of squirrels.

I will be sleeping with one eye open lest he does something like this to me.

The choice of graphics has me singing the goodbye song from Bear and the Big Blue House.…

Yes I know I’m strange!

Bear and Luna sing the Goodbye song

Today I spotted on wordpress.com mainpage

Hawt Cark Post Boy

Corklangerdan’s post about how Cork has “honoured” US President Obama by naming a street in the city “after him”

Barrack St in the city centre is the street in question. Pity we didn’t pass through it on our #iba09 photowalk.

I love the supposed text that Obama sent….

“The text reads ‘thnx 4 de shout out lds, nce 1, dat a hurley stcking outta de wall?”

Anyway, nice work Dan!

Note that todays post is about Dutch – Irish relations…. lol, how topical for me!